Adoptee Voices on the Healing Journey
I don’t get to spend as much time immersed in the world of foster care, adoption, and kinship care as I used to, but it still holds my heart.
This month, in honor of National Adoption Awareness Month, our Healers & Cycle-Breakers Blog post is brought to you in collaboration with Kristen Santel, LISW-S.
Kristen is the co-founder of the beautiful Columbus, OH therapy practice Santel & Kerr, the Clinical Director of Camp Lionheart (a free, week-long overnight summer camp for grieving children & teens), and an adult adoptee.
Whether you are considering adoption, already serving as a foster or resource parent, or 20 years into your adoption/ foster/ kinship journey, this article has important reminders for all of us. Be sure to scroll to the bottom for a few book recommendations from others in the adoption community.
Look in the Mirror
We are all imperfect humans. If there is anything that 2020 showed us, it is that there is still so much we have yet to learn, uncover, discover, and grow from. The pandemic created challenges we had not yet experienced in the contemporary world, and yet we still find ourselves faced with the same daily struggles we have always had.
Growth is hard. It requires looking backwards while facing forwards simultaneously, all the while continuing to function in the present day. It means taking a serious, compassionate look at parts of yourself you may not want to face, or haven’t been able to face, and holding the space for pain and suffering that can seem unbearable.
In this article, I’m not talking about the growth of the adoptee. I’m talking about the growth and journey of the adoptive/foster parent.
Being an adoptee is a life-long experience that feels something like this: searching, healing, restabilizing, readjusting, uncovering, recovering, discovering, covering, restabilizing, blocking, unknowing, KNOWING, revisiting, holding, flailing, compartmentalizing, lying, fleeing, finding, losing, restabilizing, feeling, thinking, fawning, overthinking, rebalancing, grieving, atoning, soaring, plummeting, restabilizing, thriving, pleasing, floundering, breaking, fighting, spiraling, building, and landing. Among many other things.
We are all already aware of these things. As adoptees, we are studied, written about, stigmatized– pathologized. The journey of the adoptive/foster parent, however, is just as complicated, and nuanced, and important— though often much less emphasized. Adopting a child, in the many different forms this can take, can and will and should trigger every single part of your mind, body and being. This experience should not be easy for anyone involved. Each adoptive parent should be enrolled in a mandatory class before adopting a child titled “Your Adopted Child Will Trigger Every Issue You Ever Had, THIS IS NORMAL, Get Into Therapy Now.”
Parenting, in general, can reopen many lifelong struggles that may have been lying dormant beneath the surface and suddenly rise to the top. This is not uncommon, but adopting a child of any age, from any part of the world, with any deluge of diagnoses or not, will and should change your relationship with yourself.
Your adopted child will hold a mirror up to you.
Any worthwhile relationship will.
Your child will make you see yourself differently, see your partner differently, face hard truths; question yourself or your capacity. You will question why you adopted a child at times, and you will blame the child for this immense discomfort and for every one of the problems you encounter (at first, naturally) until it all becomes too much to bear, for everyone. This will bring you to a crossroads.
You have a decision to make as an adoptive parent. Are you going to be part of the problem, or part of the healing journey? Will you further the trauma narrative that has been instilled in the child’s life, or will you work long and hard to heal your own attachment wounds to help stop the intergenerational trauma that you, yourself, have also been victim to?
Many adoptive parents are acutely aware of their role inside of reducing secondary wounding, minimizing harm, and course-correcting the trauma narrative in a child’s life. Recognizing this role as having the ability to both heal and harm is crucial; parents must do their own work and manage their own healing, otherwise it will only exacerbate the trauma of the adopted child. Your wellness is key to the overall health, development, and organization of the child. Otherwise, you can do harm.
As adoptees, we have our own work to do and lifelong journey that we are on, with ourselves, all parts of ourselves, our bodies, our sense of self and our felt sense as a human being. We need time and space to self-organize, to build neuroception and safety, to understand our own existence inside of that time and space. It is clear, though, the people in our lives that are allies in that journey, and those who have not prioritized their own personal healing in order to hold space autonomously and compassionately for another.
It is okay to be imperfect and to be full of mistakes and missteps and misguidance. As an adoptive parent, you must be committed to move towards healing in your own life if you demand that of others. Learn more about yourself, study yourself and build compassion for all parts of you and your own journey. You are a part of this. A necessary part. Sometimes, the biggest part.
Kristen Santel, LISW-S
Psychotherapist, Adoptee
www.santelandkerr.com
Kristen’s reflection is such an important reminder that healing in the adoption, foster, and kinship world begins with the adults who choose this path. It takes courage to look in the mirror, to stay curious about our own stories, and to keep showing up for the kids who need us—imperfectly but wholeheartedly.
When we listen to adoptee voices, we learn how to break cycles of shame and disconnection and move toward the kind of healing that changes families for generations.
Keep the Learning Going
You know how much I love a good book! I’ll close with a few I highly recommend—most written by adult adoptees or other members of the foster, adoption, and kinship community.
If you’re doing your own healing work:
- Already Enough — Lisa Olivera (Great for anyone who is working to understand their past stories and write the next chapter)
- Reclaim Compassion — Lisa Qualls & Melissa Corkum (Written for Christian parents who are experiencing Blocked Care)
If you’re parenting or supporting kids in the thick of it:
- Riley the Brave’s Big Feelings Activity Book — Jessica Sinarski
- Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors — Robyn Gobbel
- Raising Kids and Teens with FASD — Barb Clark
If you’re ready to deepen understanding of adoption and its impact:
- You Should Be Grateful — Angela Tucker | Video Resources
- The Family of Adoption — Joyce Maguire Pavao
- The Seven Core Issues Workbook for Parents of Traumatized Children and Teens — Sharon Roszia & Allison Davis Maxon
And one podcast episode:
I was recently invited to be a part of the VOICES for CASA Children’s By Their Side podcast. It was a lovely conversation, including tools for helping children who have experienced trauma feel truly seen and supported, including a reminder that adults need care and community too. Give it a listen here, or find it in your favorite podcast app!
With you in the messy journey ❤️
