5 perspective shifts that help me lead with clarity and care
One afternoon many years ago, my dad was in town visiting, and we were catching up over chips and salsa at the Mexican restaurant around the corner from my house. I was about ten years into my career, working with kids who had lived through more pain than any child should have to bear. I had just finished a long week, and I was sharing how heavy it all felt.
“I don’t know… it just seems like someone is always in crisis,” I said. “It never stops.”
He nodded gently. Then he said something that has stuck with me:
“With the kind of work you do, someone is always going to be in crisis.”
He didn’t say it harshly. It was a compassionate reminder that calm isn’t always possible. My job wasn’t to erase the chaos—but to stay steady enough to keep showing up in it.
From Chips & Salsa to Brains & Behavior
Around the same time I had this conversation with my dad, I was digging deeper into developmental neuroscience and interpersonal neurobiology (basically how our brains and bodies impact each other). You could study these fields all day every day for decades and still have more to learn, but there were some truths that started rolling around in my head.
I started incorporating them into my work with other mental health counselors and social workers.
I brought what I was learning into my work with schools, and it sparked a powerful shift.
I included these 5 foundational truths about behavior in Light Up the Learning Brain without realizing just how important they are to the whole rest of the book. I think most people buy the book for the seven keys to reducing disruptive behavior, but there’s a reason Key #1 is to Become a Brain Builder.
It takes courage to build the Upstairs Brain—especially when the Downstairs Brain has done such a good job keeping you alive. Brain building isn’t easy. But it becomes a little more doable when we’re all talking about the same thing.
Introducing… The B.R.A.V.E. Framework
Today I’m sharing five simple (but not always easy) perspective shifts that help me show up well, whether I’m working with students, supporting adults, parenting my own kids, or just trying to make it through a tough day.
More than a dry set of ideas, the B.R.A.V.E. Framework provides a simple, steadying lens to come back to when dealing with challenging behavior. When your own nervous system starts slipping into shut-it-all-down Turtle mode or Tiger intensity, these five truths can help bring you back to steady.
Including mine!
This truth reminds me that all behavior has roots in the brain, so my first job is to check in on my own brain state, getting curious instead of getting judgy.
I used to think I needed to stay calm at all times to be a good helper. (Ha!) Now I know that I’m bringing my whole nervous system into the room. And if I’m triggered, tired, or overwhelmed, that’s going to show up—whether I want it to or not.
It’s the old “put on your oxygen mask before assisting others” principle. The martyr/superhero trope can take over in helping professions and the world of education, but at the end of the day, we are all just human. And human is exactly what is needed.
Especially when the room feels tense.
I’ve been in meetings where it felt like everyone’s lid was about to flip (including mine). In those moments, this is the shift I try to hold on to: If I want others to feel safe enough to be in connection mode, I need to offer safety.
That might mean softening my tone. Owning my part. Staying curious when I’d rather jump into fix-it mode.
To be clear, this doesn’t mean being perfectly calm all the time. Sometimes when we acknowledge the hurt, fear, or anger in the room, we can find a path through the hard stuff instead of getting stuck in defense mode.
Who is driving the bus: My Upstairs Brain or Downstairs Brain?
Am I jumping to conclusions, raising my voice, or rushing to fix? Or am I listening to understand, staying curious, and leading with compassion?
As Dr. Jon Baylin points out, we are state-dependent creatures. That means that how we function at any given moment depends on which part of the brain is running things. Is it the rational, flexible, creative Upstairs Brain? Or has survival brain kicked into action?
And as much as I don’t love a lot of the behavior that comes from the Downstairs Brain, it’s just trying to do its job. Our Tiger and Turtle and Porcupine protectors aren’t bad…they just don’t have the whole story.
We need our Downstairs Brain protectors!
I’m glad my Tiger brain can pull my hand off a hot surface long before my Upstairs Brain gets the message that there’s a problem. My Chameleon brain has saved me from a lot of pain and suffering. And…those same parts of my brain can make life really unpleasant (more on that here.)
When we write off behavior—our own or someone else’s—as “bad,” we lose the chance to see the protector underneath. I had a recent reminder of this with one of my boys, who was showing some intense Porcupine pestering behavior toward me and his brother. Turns out, he needed some attention and didn’t have the communication skills to ask for it.
I’ll tell you more about it another time, but long story short…seeing “bad behavior” as a brain in protection mode helps me stay grounded in compassion even when the porcupine spikes are flying right at me.
Steady, unsteady, steady again.
That’s the rhythm of real change.
Some days I crush it. Other days I cry in the car. Most days, it’s somewhere in between. And I’m learning that’s okay.
As I think back on that conversation with my dad, I’m reminded that crises will come and go. And when you work in big systems like foster care or education or health care, there are going to be big crises and little Downstairs Brain moments every single day.
No one can stay in their Upstairs Brain all the time. The goal is to notice when you’ve gotten knocked off balance… and then climb back up again. One brave step at a time.
One B.R.A.V.E. step at a time.
That’s how we rebuild trust.
That’s how we change behavior.
That’s how we keep showing up without losing ourselves in the process.
If you’re navigating a classroom, a caseload, a caregiving role, or just your own tender heart (hello, helpers!), my hope is that this framework brings some clarity.
Let’s keep being brave together.
Want to dig deeper into The B.R.A.V.E. Framework?
If this post spoke to you, here are a few next steps:
- Come to Philly for the 2-day Behavior Rewired™ Train-the-Trainer
Learn how to teach this framework to your staff/colleagues with clarity, confidence, and plenty of practical tools. Get the details and register here.
- Join me virtually or in person at one of these events:
- Light Up the Learning Brain Texas tour | Full Day Deep Dive: “Problematic Student Behavior? Let’s Fix the Foundation” | June 2-4 | Lubbock, Abilene, and Wichita Falls, TX
- Area 2 Summer Symposium | “Unpacking Anger” & “From Eye Rolls to Aha Moments” | June 12 | Rockford, IL
- Building Resilient Communities for Children Conference | Plenary Session: “Capturing Students Hearts…Even the Ones Who Push Your Buttons” | June 23-24 | Virtual
- ORPARC Training | “Unpacking Anxiety” | June 24 | Oregon Virtual
- Innovative School Summit | Pre-Conference Deep Dive: “Hands to Yourself: Sensory Secrets for Classroom Management” | July 14-18 | Nashville, TN
- 2025 Summer Counselor Conference | Keynote: “World-Changers: Cultivating Hope in Your School Community” | July 25-27 | Virtual
- Pennsylvania State Education Association 2025 DPS Conference | “Trauma, the Brain, and Hope” | August 5 | Boalsburg, PA
- 2025 Social, Emotional and Behavior Wellbeing (SEBW) Conference | Keynote: “Creating a Culture of Belonging” | August 6 | Dover, DE
- Families Rising Conference | “Grief, Gratitude, and Grit: Self-Care for Real Life” | October 6-8 | Orlando, FL
- And… a new book is on the way!
If you’ve been wishing for a short, practical, write-in-your-copy guide to support lasting behavior change in your school, stay tuned!
A new interactive resource based on the BRAVE framework is coming in January 2026 with National Center for Youth Issues.
Whatever your next step, please know: You don’t have to change everything to create lasting change. You are doing brave work. Keep putting on those brain goggles, my friend.
